I locked myself in my room for three days seeking peace, and here’s what happened
This is a guide for awakening. Are you going through an awakening, a dark night of the soul, or taking daily steps toward discovering yourself? This article is right for those who are interested in navigating a spiritual journey, depression, and/or addiction.
In 2021, I experienced super-power-level “I can do anything” energy. I came to know God and my Higher Self in intimate ways. I witnessed the unbelievable, “there’s no way” manifestation of my wildest desires.
I breathed and walked with magic.
My eyes were opened to Universal truths that helped me take on a new identity. I learned to heal with energy, recognize soul information, understand karmic ancestry through astrology. I developed a serious meditation practice and learned to regulate my emotions in ways I never thought possible. I’d had a spiritual awakening. Everything was flowing seamlessly.
Then came the wobble period.
I wrote a story about how the post-awakening transition can be difficult, and result in a wobble back into darkness. For two years, I crashed from that high. Hard. Nothing flowed anymore. I felt stuck in fear. I fell back into my old addictions. The spiritual gifts that once felt so integrated suddenly felt terrifying instead of empowering.
This is the part nobody talks about after an awakening.
Thankfully, during my awakening, I also came into spiritual skills, like healing with energy, recognizing soul information and karmic ancestry, and forming energy reports with astrology. I leaned hard into my mindfulness meditation practice, and learned to emotionally regulate.
During my wobble period, I spent three days locked in my room and did not come out until I reached non-duality.
On the day I decided to do this, I was in a deep depression. I had allowed myself to become a train wreck of emotions, with little restraint towards my quickly spiraling negativity.
Interacting with angels, ETs, dragons, the whole you’re-a-psychic thing wasn’t sitting well with me. So I made a decision: I would allow myself to spiral intentionally. I would start within duality consciousness — feeling completely separate, afraid, doubting everything — and I wouldn’t leave my room until I reached non-duality consciousness or unity consciousness.
I set a boundary with myself: no leaving until I got there.
This wasn’t avoidance. It was the opposite. It was going straight into the darkness instead of running from it. I allowed myself to spiral intentionally.
I started within duality consciousness; feeling separate. My goal was to end within non-duality consciousness or unity consciousness.
I wouldn’t leave my room until I got there.
Here’s what I learned during those three days (and what I wish someone had told me during my wobble): We will adjust and re-adjust again during our current Shift in awakening. We experience extreme highs and extreme lows. This is a balancing act by the soul itself.
Emotional regulation is what keeps us connected to Source during these wobble periods. It’s not about staying positive or “spiritual.” It’s about integrating the experiences that are rightfully ours to experience — the good, the bad, and the ugly.
A key element to emotional regulation is the ability to shift perspectives, which shifts the nervous system’s response. And to do this, we need to engage a core spiritual concept: non-duality or neutrality.
This means: accepting where you are without judgment.
Our rite of passage has always been to overcome the difficulty of awakening through emotional regulation, which is achieved through non-duality.
I needed to start by accepting where I was at. And let me be clear — it wasn’t pretty. It was quite ugly.
I went full hermit mode, isolating myself from the world. In that raw, vulnerable state, I made a pledge to be honest and present with myself. No escapism. No denial. No spiritual bypassing. My reality was my reality, not just a delusion I could think my way out of.
I couldn’t make the you’re-a-psychic situation go away, and I couldn’t bypass the fearful emotions it brought either. I had a choice: continue rejecting my own existence, or embrace the unknown.
The latter was terrifying. But only slightly less terrifying than the former.
So I let myself feel the terror. Fully. I needed to step into my fear so I could know what support it needed from me.
This is important: The goal of Source is to know itself. By sitting with our emotions — really sitting with them, not meditating them away — we strengthen our connection to Source. I needed to see how my fear and conceptualized separateness permeated my mind and trapped me. I needed to let myself get fully trapped so I could zoom out and draw a map of how to get out.
The thoughts that surfaced were brutal:
“You’re weird.”
“You’re different, in a bad way.”
“There’s no way you can live an authentic lifestyle and talk about seeing dragons publicly.”
“This matrix world will never support your soul calling financially.”
And the worst ones: “Humanity is doomed. The apocalypse is coming and you’ll have to watch people die en masse. People cannot be trusted. You must fear them. This world cannot be trusted. You must fear it.”
I am happy to say that I no longer hold any of these perspectives. I have stepped into an authentic expression of myself and my soul’s yearning.
On day two, I woke up at 4:30 pm.
My trauma response kicked in: sleep. Escapism. The same thing I’ve used since childhood to avoid feeling my feelings. My body’s way of saying, I can’t handle this right now, so I’m just going to shut down.
Here’s the paradox I discovered: Our trauma responses are flawed because they don’t allow us to truly heal and return to Source. But they’re also perfect, because they’re the best our ego-body can do to keep us safe.
I began to accept my fears and just allow myself to sleep. I couldn’t negate them. I couldn’t argue with them. I couldn’t spiritual-bypass them away.
In fact, all of these fears were true — to some extent.
The point wasn’t to prove them untrue. The point was to recognize that truth is subjective. To the parts of me that were hurting and afraid, every single one of those statements was the real-life-smack-you-in-the-face truth. My wounded parts clung to these fearful ideas because they justified the hurt, the feeling of separateness. This is the ego-mind. It’s obsessed with why I’m feeling this way.
Overnight, I wallowed in these partial truths. The 1/2 truth. The truth of duality and separateness.
Then something shifted.
I began sensing into all of my fears — really feeling them in my body — and I started telling my mind and body: “I know you are clinging to these ideas out of pain. I am here, and there is nothing to distract me from soothing this pain. I’m here to help you let go and accept a new perspective.”
My inner feminine began to reveal herself. She could feel that I was finally giving her what she needed: space to fully heal.
Engendered thoughts of “time to get up and hustle for survival”, “you can’t afford to not be working right now” cropped up like dandelions in a highway median. I lovingly and patiently dismissed them. My inner feminine, the energy that rests and receives, needed to be nurtured.
By healing the feminine, I was also alchemizing the masculine. The masculine represents drive and passion. My masculine was just about tapped out. Buried in depression, it wanted nothing to do with its normal tenacity. I had to go below the masculine, into the feminine, and see why she was not receiving the joy and beauty that inspires the masculine to act.
By day three, my feminine began to understand that I was giving her room to heal and to start communicating with the masculine.
On day three, I was able to witness my fear and insecurity without identifying with it.
I had given myself time to reset. I had allowed myself time to contend with my separateness, and to accept it.
On day three, I finally went outside.
When I stepped through that door, something had shifted internally. I wasn’t “fixed.” I wasn’t suddenly enlightened. But I had moved from identifying with my fear to witnessing it. From being trapped in duality to touching non-duality.
I had found my real Why from beneath the depression.
My Why is because I have choice.
Here’s what I want you to understand: Wobble periods aren’t failures. They’re integrations.
During our current Shift in awakening, we swing between extremes. This is the soul balancing itself, not the soul failing. Your trauma responses aren’t the enemy — they’re your nervous system’s way of protecting you. Your fears aren’t proof that you’re spiritually broken — they’re proof that you’re human